More Like Her
by Temperance Cross
Summary: Smoker doesn't notice her watching him, already he was too enthralled in the other woman's smile.  -Tashigi/Smoker-


She can tell he's happy, even from the distance she's sitting from him. But she feels like she's in a sinking hole. She's right there, vaguely listening to the person across from her, brows drawn tight and too busy focusing on how /he's/ doing.

She can tell the man's attention in her is waning and somehow, she manages to recapture it, though her eyes are still glued to her superior's form, just beyond the other's head.

Smoker doesn't notice her watching him, already he was too enthralled in the other woman's smile.

She feels a little jealous, but pushes the feeling down and tries to ignore the bile threatening to leave a foul taste in her mouth. However, she doesn't hate the woman, nor does she really find herself jealous of /her/ per say, it's more of the way that she captures his attention and that maybe, she wished he would look at her like that at least once.

But he won't, she concluded, because she was more of a young child to him.

So she apologizes quietly to the other she had been entertaining and perhaps fakes a smile for him, before retreating to the ladies room, a little quicker than she should have, but she stays on her feet without a problem.

She gets there without a problem and stares into the mirror, trying to stare into her own face with a searching glance, desperately looking for some sort of sign that she wasn't just a child and could be easily made into a woman. She doesn't find one and maybe her stomach lurches at the thought. She doesn't want to admit that she was jealous of a look that he was giving her, despite the obviousness of it. Nor, does she want to admit the longing to be known as something other than as 'one of the kids' or his second-in-command. It bothers her to realize that maybe, just maybe that her feelings were a little more than the platonic sibling-bond that she was so sure of only a few months before.

Slim brows furrow together and she rubs her stomach carefully, trying to soothe the dull ache threatening to take her over. She was upset over nothing, she assumes, that the sight of those two together just made her wish that she was seen as more than a child by everyone (especially him, her mind provides unhelpfully) and that maybe, she could be happy knowing that she at least had even the tiniest of chances to prove this to everyone. Fingers tighten against the marble counter and her sword bumps lightly against her hip as she tries to pry her eyes open to look at herself through the un-make-up covered face. Lips purse and she decides that perhaps she would look more like a woman if she wore make-up and has half a mind to leave the restraint unseen to go get some of the damned things, as well as a girl-y dress to replace her normal slacks and shirt. But the knot twisted tighter and she frowned slightly to herself, hand raising to rub lightly against her forehead. She would look dumb, she betted, no doubt like a child trying to pretend she was an adult.

She held no doubt in her mind that he wouldn't get the meaning behind the change and would probably brush it off to being something Hina had inspired. Her stomach churns and she doesn't understand why she doesn't just walk out there, ruin her relationship with him by kissing him in front of /her/. She doubt it'd end up well, but the feeling making her belly flip-flop told her that perhaps it would put everything behind her. She released the counter and opened a brown orb to look straight back into her own, eyes glancing towards the door and she idly remembers that her friend was waiting for her.

So, she puts on a brave face and leaves the washroom, pushing every sickened feeling away at the sight greeting her, all three of them seated and his steel colour eyes trained on her. She forces a nervous smile and for the first time that day she tumbles and falls. She gets up quickly and apologizes to the man she crashed into, putting on the normal theatrics she normally did when such a thing occurred, to make sure he didn't suspect anything weird about her.

He never did anyways.

As she sits down, she can feel his gaze on her, as well as the others, but she just laughs quietly at herself and tilts her head slightly, faking to enjoy her own clumsiness. It gets to the point where her stomach tells her that she shouldn't eat, but she still takes a bite of her food, careful to keep her eyes level with something beyond everyone's head, as though she was looking them in the eye. Despite this being her own idea, she can feel the unhelpful tinges of regret weighing down on her shoulders, she doesn't like it, but she keeps on trying to be the attentive listener that she comes off at. But he's staring through her, he always does. She smiles carefully and just takes another bite of her food, brows furrowing as she realizes that maybe eating wasn't the best suggestion. She wonders if he would corner her if she got up, making another excuse to go to the washroom. Perhaps he would send her after her to drag the feelings out of her. She tries not to frown, but it manages to crack through her mask briefly, before she gets up and excuses herself from the table for a second time.

As she walks away, she can feel his eyes on her back and she really wonders if he could see through her as easily as he really seemed too. She reaches the bathroom, and briefly glances around. She has his attention again, so she ducks out through the backdoor, digging into her pocket as she pulled out a small cigarette package. She withdraws one and sticks it in her mouth, chewing on the filter without lighting it. Her stomach is causing her to suck in a heavy breath and hold it for a few moments, blowing it out around the butt of the smoke.

She realizes there's someone watching her as she inhaled the non-nicotine infused air, and then the voice comes and a Zippo is offered.

"I haven't seen that pack since Arabasta," the voice is /his/ and she doesn't want to respond. Because this was an obvious sign as something was wrong and he could read her like a book if she simply says anything. "It was Hina's wasn't it? She gave you it saying that it'd calm your nerves, but I don't think I've ever seen you light any of them up."

She nods slowly, declining the offer with a push of her hand. Her brows are furrowed together and she can tell those cool steel eyes were looking so attentive at her and that she was being so obvious with her stiff shoulders and stony gaze that didn't suit her soft features. She doesn't know what to say either, nothing will stop the ache from growing and making her feel like there was something else wrong with her. She /shouldn't/ be jealous, she shouldn't want to be seen as a woman and not as the awkward teen she used to be.

"I just need something to hold," she replies finally, she slowly lifts her gaze to his and he looks almost sad. But she keeps her gaze holding his to try and fool them both. He clicks his tongue and she realizes he knows she's upset and he's coming closer to lightly pat her on the head. She holds in the quick lash of her tongue and clamps teeth against the end of the stick. She simply takes it, thoughts of wanting to tell him that she wasn't a child that needed soft attention and the urge to lean in brings a soft growl from her throat. She can tell he's surprised, as he stepped back and tilted his head to the side, staring down at her as her eyes lower and she sighs.

"What's wrong, Ensign?"

"Nothing, sir."

The words simply roll off of her tongue like they were melted butter on pancakes. She doesn't believe them and neither does he. He shows it by retracting the offered lighter, before moving in front of her, tipping her head up, chin trapt between his thumb and index as he stares at her with his steely gaze. She can feel her cheeks pinkening and she knows he's looking right at her without /seeing/ the woman she was behind it. "Ensign, I pride myself in my officers on being truthful," he says this in a way that makes her almost want to cry, but she's done enough of that in her life, so she forces a smile and shrugs a bit. She guards her eyes and makes herself seem steely and cold as she would normally do in a situation as such.

"I am being untruthful, sir," she doesn't like how easy that came out, it means that she was getting used to being treated like a child and that was something she never wanted. But she holds his gaze evenly, trying to trick them both into believing the words she was saying. "I simply am a little… stressed." That sounded legit, it really did, and she followed it up by pulling away from the hand and looking at her feet. He was already on the ball as he pulled her back to her original position, trapping her against the wall, eyes staring down at her with an unwavering force.

"Tashigi," he growls, and she wants to shiver and shrink into herself as he watches her with those steel-colored eyes. "What's wrong?"

"/Nothing/," she finds herself responding, but he's pressing closer and she can't breathe any thing that didn't have that familiar smoke scented through the air. She gasps and he finally backs off, when she guessed he realized that he was too close to her. She can feel his disapproving gaze on her and she can almost taste the regret and almost hear the voice ringing through her head that told her to regret nothing and to keep getting stronger. She didn't like the fact that it sounded eerily like the man's voice. She decides to put the case away and flick the cigarette away from her, careful to step around him, before an hand spun her and pushed her back into the wall.

"Tell me, Ensign, that is an /order/," his voice seemed calm for someone who always seemed so stoic, at least to her ears. It's quickly that she finds herself pressing up and meeting him half way, lips pressing together in a hurry, before she rips herself away and looks at the ground. Awkwardly counting the seconds to when he would yell at her and tell her to never do that again, or perhaps he would simply tell her in that calm, soothing voice-

"… How long have you been wanting to do that, Tashigi?"

-She blinked up at him, eyes wide, before she looked down and shrugged, cheeks coloured pink.  
"A long time, sir."

He nods and she can't help but keep her brown eyes on his steely ones, a gloved hand reaches out and lightly traps her chin between his index and thumb, tilting her head up slightly and kisses her. She can't help but let out a breath she didn't even know she was holding and just allow him to kiss her. She can't believe it was happening and perhaps she didn't want to believe it, but she pressed in, gloved hands framing his face pulling him closer and closer, basking in the breath fanning out against her skin. She feels like she's going to die, but then he draws away and stares down at her levelly.

"I'm sorry, Ensign, but I have to go back in there. You're free to go do whatever you wish, just tell them that you have another thing to attend to, I will make up some excuse."

She felt cold when he pulled away from her and it left her shuddering, her back slumping against the wall and she came to sit on the ground. Tears were streaming down her face and she didn't know why, perhaps she did, but didn't want to say anything out loud, nor to make it anymore real than it already was. Her head thumped against the hard wall and she couldn't help but drag her legs to her chest and curl arms around it.


End file.
